Let’s dig deeper into the human (or Case Western Reserve University student) mind this week. Let’s ask the deep questions: Why are we here? Parents helicoptered you here or had sex. What does it all mean? If you give a number answer here, I both approve and am sick of it. Why does our campus get obsessed with Valentine’s Day when just as many students live in fear of the pink hearts and teddy bears? I’m talking about you guys. Yeah, you. And girls. I would never want to be accused of being sexist.
Walk by Nord and you’ll be accosted by teddy bears and chocolate roses. Check your email and your usual penile-enhancing spam has been replaced with sexy teddies and chocolate underwear. There is literally no place to go. Facebook games are all pink. Real games are all pink. This newspaper? Probably pink.
All of your favorite websites will have themes this week. Romantic comedies starring Meg Ryan will be making a comeback, and your professors will probably not appreciate the Men’s Glee Club taking over their classrooms.
So what to do? Hide until it’s over? No. You need to take this Valentine’s by the nose and try to enjoy it. If you’re like me and have a boyfriend/girlfriend/other, it’s a great time to get mad at them for not getting you the teddy bear you wanted, or you can use this time to overdose on the chocolate they got on sale at Walgreens. If you don’t have a significant other, don’t worry, Valentine’s Day was based in part on a massacre (and if not, don’t tell me!). If you get lucky enough to come across an impromptu Valentine’s date offer, take it! It could be fun, and the food will most likely be free, but watch out for roofies.
My advice this week: Go to all the parties with the free food. Eat the free food. Go home and snuggle with your body-pillow (Edward or Jacob?). If you’re a girl, go to the party, eat the free food, and let all the men look at your beautiful self. Every girl deserves to be salivated over during Valentine’s Day. Guys, when you’re done with that pillow, go make us feel good about ourselves!
Don’t get too drunk, because it is on a weekday this year. Or if you do get drunk, make sure to bring your sunglasses to class when you stagger in. Let the singing valentines serenade all your classes, and if a naked guy dressed as Cupid is seen running around the quad… Just pretend you don’t see him. That’s what everyone else will be doing.
If you want to be really romantic, besides helping your sex-interest do their homework, take them to the movies (Star Wars, anyone?) or take them off the main quad and out of the labs, because life is short. But then again, who needs romance?