Celebrity crushes have always been a favorite subject of mine.
When I was 12 years old, I launched a wildly successful One Direction blog. Between its photo content and self-published fanfiction, I drew in over 1,000 Tumblr followers within a few months. My blog was cathartic in the sense that my budding desires finally had an outlet where I could commiserate with other sexually frustrated pre-teens.
Here we are, seven years later, and nothing has changed, aside from the fact that my range of taste has expanded and matured. I think I also have more refined analytical skills as to how my interests would be as real-life partners. The shame of it is that now I actually have meaningful interactions with men in real time and when I talk about, say, wanting the Hemsworth brothers as a snack, they think it’s mildly inappropriate and are turned off.
Several couples I know have the “one-time cheat list,” but anyone I have ever been involved with has had to sign a waiver understanding that if I run into any of my celebrities at any point, things might happen, and there’s no stopping me.
Leonardo Dicaprio was at the top of my list for years. The lanky, charming Jack Dawson-era Dicaprio was nice and all, but for some reason, I’m really into the 43-year-old, environmentalist, Palm Springs version of the former “Titanic” star. Part of it is the lack of interest he appears to show in anything but himself and his own career. Receiving his attention seems like it would be a challenge—one that I’m up for, that is. That task cultivates some sort of allure which has held me on for a while now.
Someone else I’d settle for is Chris Hemsworth. Yes, Thor. I had not seen “Thor” until this year, though, and it just made me even more frustrated. His body and his accent are amazing. The fact that he’s married with three children makes it even worse because I’m jealous of his beautiful wife, yet I am also rooting for their marriage. If I can’t have him, I will move to Australia, and he and his wife can just adopt me.
Currently, Matt Smith is my main interest. If you are connected with me on Snapchat, you have seen “Sparkly Matt,” a project I have been updating daily which features a black and white photo of the former “Doctor Who” and “The Crown” actor with a sparkle graphic on some part of his beautiful body. It is my most unlikely and off the beaten path pursuit, considering that at this point in life my usual “type” is muscular and blonde. Perhaps I am reverting to my One Direction days and am, once again, drawn to boyish energy beautified by an enchanting British accent. When he wears glasses? Don’t even get me started.
The weirdest thing is that I got into him from watching “The Crown,” and I don’t even watch “Doctor Who,” the show that launched the actor into the spotlight. Actually, that’s a lie; I watched his three seasons, I just kept it on mute because I literally just wanted to look at him wearing a bow tie and tweed blazer. I hate sci-fi. Regardless, he may be higher on my list than DiCaprio right now.
I could go on and on about famous men I would take home with me, but I think giving me a spot on “The Bachelorette” would be an appropriate stage to explore this embarrassing interest of mine. The cast will certainly be star-studded and nothing unpleasant to look at.