A few weeks ago, I wrote a piece about my celebrity crushes. To answer a lot of your questions: no, I don’t regret exposing myself. That’s why I’m about to do it again. This time, it’s even more personal.
The whole “I make my boyfriends sign a disclaimer” bit about letting me cheat on them with my celebrity crushes if given the opportunity is true. It’s not a physical waiver, but an implicit agreement. I will now publically offer an explanation for each love interest, which I hope gives everyone at least somewhat of an understanding.
Matt Smith is topping the list right now. Esquire. Sartorial. Matt Smith is a man of elegance. I used to think he looks kinda kooky, but after seeing him as Prince Philip on The Crown, my mind completely changed. In the past two months, he went from not even close to being on my radar to being a potential father of my children.
Next up is Chris Hemsworth. A jacked Australian with a perfect face. I want to share a surfboard with him. If I keep going, I’ll start crying.
Leonardo DiCaprio: I like him for obscure reasons, including his environmental activism, “The Revenant”, his Palm Springs shenanigans and his “dad bod.” “Titanic” is just an afterthought. He is an essential member of my cheat list, as my interest in him has perpetuated since my hormones first developed. I did, however, hear a rumor that he wears a tee shirt during private times.
I feel obligated to include Ryan Reynolds. He’s Deadpool and looks incredible in a red, skin-tight suit. He’s also married to Blake Lively, who is very hot.
How about Christoph Waltz? Everyone needs a sugar daddy on their cheat-list and the “Django Unchained” star is a perfect choice. His Austrian realism and elderly appearance are authoritative and appealing.
Helen Mirren is my dream woman. She’s in her 70s and is in better shape than me. While I’m not a lesbian, if I met the real Queen of England, I very well might make an exception.
Harry Styles is my teenage dream. He’s like a refined, youthful version of Mick Jagger and has a total “I don’t care” attitude. It’s impossible to be sad when you’re thinking about this curly headed teddy bear.
Steve Gold, a real estate agent on a Bravo TV show called “Million Dollar Listing.” He walks around without a shirt on and sometimes has a “dad bod.” Once, “on the side,” he modelled for Tom Ford, so you get the idea. My mom wants me to date him, and I support her in that cause.
Like Helen Mirren, Alicia Vikander is another exception. I saw “Tomb Raider,” and I immediately went to the gym. The only problem is that I would feel intimidated by her beauty. I would also settle for Lara Croft’s real life husband, the Irish studmuffin Michael Fassbender. He’s over 6’ tall and played a Spartan warrior in “300.”
Because of President Bill Clinton’s impeachment, I waited until after President Barack Obama left office to admit it, but I love him. Regardless of one’s political views, we can all agree that he is the coolest president the United States will ever have.
That’s all, folks. I read this back to myself and realized that whoever I marry in the future might change their mind if they dig this up. But then again, what would they be doing reading The Observer archives? That’s just weird.
Sophia Yakumithis doesn’t even go here. She is spending the semester as a recluse, boasting exceptionally high cheekbones and listening to a lot of Arctic Monkeys.