During my second year of high school, my ceramics teacher told the class about a teenage girl she met at an event held by her husband’s company. While the girl was at a party, she tried to fit in with the “cool kids” who did drugs but ended up overdosing. Although she survived, thanks to her younger brother, she was left with a permanent disability that could potentially bar her from living a normal life. After the story, my teacher finished with a lesson that “the people who only cheer you on and say things that you want to hear, even though it will harm you, [are] are not your friends. It is the people who are hard on you and are willing to be the bad guy to guide you through the right path, they are your friends.” Although the story ended light-heartedly with one of my classmates telling another student that he is not his friend, the last two sentences have stayed in my memory to this day. If there was someone in the girl’s life who was willing to criticize her despite the potential negative response, such an event could have been avoided. Knowing this, I have started to wonder about the nature of criticism and how to use it in a way that benefits me.

The primary step to gaining from criticism is to get an understanding of what the person criticizing you is trying to say. By asking the critic to further clarify what they are trying to convey and giving them a chance to restate their comment, you can determine whether the critic wishes the best for you or is trying to attack and discourage you or whether the topic is merely a difference in opinion. Asking for clarification also eliminates any room for misinterpretation so you can react appropriately. Without this process, we may end up on negative terms with people by interpreting certain aspects of their statement with our own bias rather than their truth, reacting emotionally when the words said may not hold as strong of an effect as the speaker intends it to hold.

Another essential step is to understand that you are not perfect. Oftentimes, your attitude or decision-making could negatively affect you and others without you noticing. By understanding that all humans have flaws and are prone to misbehaviors and misjudgment, we can better evaluate our behavior and try to adjust it in a way that does not become a life obstacle. For instance, while I was working at my summer job as a patient care nursing assistant at the Cleveland Clinic, I had a co-worker criticize my verbal habits. I instantly started to re-evaluate my behavior and came to realize that I often, especially by the end of my term, had been speaking with no filter. I would overtly express the frustrations that I have with my patients and speak to coworkers in a way that could potentially be interpreted as criticism unintentionally. Since then, I have become more aware and cautious of how I express myself in an attempt to build common ground with other people. Rather than taking a defensive stance, you should learn from the mistakes that are clearly pointed out to you.

Developing the ability to distinguish between constructive criticism and pure hate is also an important step. Although criticism lets you see your negative habits that you weren’t previously able to see, it is also important to not let other people’s opinions shift your behaviors and thoughts. Unlike the example in the introduction, where a critical voice was necessary for the teen’s safety, some criticism takes it too far and becomes bullying. The primary difference between criticism and bullying is that criticism is to help improve some aspect and guide you to positive growth whereas bullying is intended to humiliate and belittle someone. With this in mind, it is crucial that we determine what the purpose of the words is and filter out what to take in and what to disregard. Taking words that are meant to help you as bullying will lead to worsened relationships with others and taking in genuine bullying leads to self-deprecation.

Lastly, you must confront your critics the right way. Once you have determined whether the criticism is fair, the next step is to show the appropriate reaction. In the case of constructive criticism, do not take it personally, give yourself some time to internally process and criticize both logically and emotionally, accept the takeaways and distance yourself from the experience. However, if it is determined as bullying, ignoring it and wishing for the offender to lose interest in you as a target is not the appropriate way to respond. For these instances, the appropriate steps are to have clear boundaries, set an internal claim that explains and justifies the topics that are discussed and respond in a logical not emotion-driven manner and discuss the concern, opening an opportunity for you to address the incident.

We are constantly giving and receiving criticism from people around us whether it’s family, colleagues, friends or total strangers. We are imperfect beings with flaws, and we may keep on making bad decisions, mistakes and offending others. Still, we must keep in mind that criticism can be both a remedy and a toxin based on its nature and our response.