We are naturally prone to comparing and being compared to the people we live alongside. As children, our parents often viewed us in relation to our peers and cousins who were smarter, more hardworking, more athletic and more precocious. In school, we compare ourselves to our peers who are more popular, good-looking, have a higher GPA or are more athletic. Later on in our lives, we will continue to compare ourselves to others in terms of how successful we are in our careers, how much more we can do for our children, how much money we have and more. Even though comparison and competition are good motivations for self-improvement for some people, most of the time it does more harm than good. 

First, we must evaluate where our insecurities come from. There are many reasons why some people feel insecure and more worthless than others. Although most of the time it is assumed that jealousy triggers such feelings, there are many internal and external factors not widely discussed. Internal factors, such as anxiety, fear of being belittled or losing something that you value, perfectionism and low self esteem, lead us to obsess about how we present ourselves. External factors such as criticism, society’s rigid rules, isolation and absence of a support system can also distort what people believe and formulate their values. For instance, as students, whenever we see vlogs of productive and academically successful students who attend prestigious universities while maintaining a fit and socially active lifestyle, we are likely to feel very uncomfortable. We may end up blaming ourselves for being lazy, spending too much time on our phones, eating unhealthy food, not working out nor being academically successful. In order to not let these feelings feed on us, we must evaluate whether we want what we want because it is something that we actually value or if it is because others tell us we have to want these things. 

Keep in mind that someone’s worth depends on how they carry themselves. Self-worth, by definition, is “the internal sense of being good enough and worthy of love and belonging from others.” Whether someone deserves love and belonging from others depends on how they carry themselves in public and how they treat others. A person’s bank account, job title, attractiveness and popularity do not determine whether they deserve to be loved. People generally want to surround themselves with those who are kind, empathetic, responsible and benevolent because of the positive energy that these people release and the comfort they provide. Self-esteem refers to your own opinion of yourself. A person with low self-esteem tends to be extremely critical of themselves, perceives themselves as less worthy than their peers, resorts to self blame and struggles to accept compliments—they are their biggest foe. In order to get out of this negative swirl of self-criticism, we must strive to love ourselves by focusing on the positive aspects of ourselves, brushing away looming negative thoughts and identifying what triggers them so we can avoid them altogether. What other people tell you is out of your control; therefore you must keep in mind that you are the only person who can protect and advocate for yourself.

Next, you must get to know the behind-the-scenes. Talent and luck only get you so far, and nothing is simply handed to anyone. Think about the gifted athletes that flopped because of their poor work ethics. Many of us feel insecure because we are resentful that other people can easily get something that seems way out of our touch. However, we must know that even to those it seems to come easy to, it was not free. For instance, many people want to be academically successful, becoming jealous of those with a 4.0 GPA. But many people do not consider the trade-offs, such as missing out on spending time with their friends and loved ones, constantly being under pressure to succeed, not having any free time to do things that they enjoy and resorting to physically deteriorating habits like all-nighters and excessive caffeine intake. We also tend to envy people that are always surrounded by friends without knowing what they may have to give up to be part of such a group. They may spend a lot of time, effort, energy and money that could have been used for something else to secure their membership and status in a friend group. Perhaps they also must succumb to peer pressure and accept mistreatment to avoid conflict or to live up to group expectations. Knowing the true cost of what you want may give you the opportunity to reevaluate whether the benefit outweighs the cost.

You can work on combating your insecurities through self-improvement. Although you may be unable to change your physical appearance and personal background, many areas of your life are modifiable. Instead of beating yourself up and taking out your frustrations on other people, work on resolving your self-deprecating thoughts. For example, if you’re insecure about your appearance, you can work on it by modifying how you dress, styling your hair, learning how to cover up what you perceive as a blemish, working out and refraining from junk food. If we wish to be more academically successful, we can cut out time spent meaninglessly, ask successful people for advice, try different study tools and devote more time to studying. We must try everything that we possibly can to address our insecurity-imposed anxieties by tackling the root causes. A person is too unique to fit into a box, therefore we should celebrate our different abilities and gifts rather than comparing them to those of others.