I’m sure that many girls who grew up as “tomboys” can relate to the intense urge to escape any aspect of femininity in youth. This could be anything from saying you hated the color pink and One Direction to having arguments with your parents about wearing a dress to a formal event. When we were little, we so desperately wanted to escape the limitations put on our existence as girls that we would do whatever we felt was rational to separate ourselves from this image. If this wasn’t the case, we merely had more of a preference for less “feminine” things, intentionally or unintentionally ostracizing ourselves from our peers. As a result, many of us became what some people would call a “pick-me,” a girl who caters to external, mostly male, validation. I feel this label is an oversimplification, requiring a closer look at modern and historical gender roles.

To discuss the duality of the “pick-me,” I’ll start within the last century. During World War II, American women were proud to take on more “masculine” roles to sustain the U.S. warfront while men were fighting. Rosie the Riveter became an iconic symbol of strength as women rolled up their sleeves and donned pants to head into factories. They briefly became an indispensable part of the U.S. war effort through a united, physically strong front, while previously performing mainly domestic duties.

Although expectations placed on women today are largely different from those in the ’50s, remnants of second-wave feminism have still leaked into the present. As a child, I can remember the hate lobbed at women for presenting themselves in “feminine” ways on trashy MTV and award shows. All the while, the public ironically craved this image. Shows championing sleazy men as “pickup artists,” and crass comments about women’s bodies were just considered normal, good television. The Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show was at its height. On America’s Next Top Model, the first “plus-sized” winner was a size 10. Being thin was not only preferred in everyday life, but expected. It’s no surprise, then, that many young girls felt the need to rebel, doing anything they could to cast off this legacy. The MARINA song “Sex Yeah” puts it perfectly: “If history could set you free (From who you were supposed to be) / If sex in our society (Didn’t tell a girl who she would be) / ‘Cause all my life I’ve tried to fight / What history has given me.” Many girls found themselves echoing the women of the past, dressing in more “masculine” ways and vehemently protesting the popular musical artists, shows and hobbies among girls of their time. The unfortunate side of this was that many people provided external validation for this rebellion, reaffirming the validity of this form of protest and, thus, the harm it caused to self-perception.

I’m unsure about the children of today, but when I was a child, girls who strayed from what was expected of them were either praised or bullied for their outward presentation and interests. At the risk of getting some eyerolls, I have to say that the girls I know who did traditionally “masculine” things, such as skateboarding, playing video games or battle card games were regarded as cooler or weirder than the girls who preferred more traditionally “feminine” pastimes—never as normal girls just exploring their interests. They had to be either somehow pretentiously elevated or belittled. Similarly, many of the girls with these “masculine” hobbies looked down on those who had more popular “girl” interests. It was almost as if implicitly, the preference for the image of girlhood we have been shown our entire lives became something shameful to those trying to escape it. As kids, many of us didn’t consider the possibility of any nuance in our peers because we weren’t taught to by our parents or the media we consumed. Even more ironically, those who held contempt for traditional “girlhood” couldn’t see that they were falling into another trap, separate from the one where being “girly” resulted in being considered less capable or intelligent. Instead they were being turned against other girls, perpetuating the same thing they hoped to escape.

Music taste, in particular, provides for an interesting commentary on this dynamic. When I was younger, people relied on the radio to hear music rather than streaming services. You would buy songs, curating your own personal collection after, likely, discovering something on the radio. The music taste of the general public stayed more contained because of this. Pop music was the most popular genre of the 2010s, although there were many other genres that were also popular among young people, such as alternative rock and emo music. Alternative music was largely claimed by people who felt ostracized from the general public for whatever reason. As a result, many young girls found themselves joining fandoms in which they proudly branded themselves as “weird” or “different” from other girls. Ironically, though, this whole idea of accepted ostracization existed in a bigger, orchestrated context. How different are you really if there are millions of other people with the same interests and mindset as you? How different are you if all the bands you listen to are under the same label, directly marketed to people with your interests just like those boy bands you claim to hate?

Today, the climate surrounding femininity seems to be much more inclusive, and the complexity of girlhood is emphasized more as children are encouraged to pursue what they enjoy rather than being tied to specific activities, body types and preferences. However, we could still do with some improvements. Marketability plays a large role in how we perceive gender roles. Today, children’s toys are still separated by gender. Especially for young boys, some parents will allege that playing with certain “girl” toys is a marker of weakness or an early indicator of their sexuality. From an early age, boys are told that they should not participate in “feminine” activities, as if it will feed on some part of their masculinity, as if participating in something “feminine” is somehow beneath them. Little boys are told they shouldn’t wear pink or play with dolls or enjoy boy bands or female pop stars. As a result, this feeds into the negative perception that “feminine” interests are somehow lesser than “masculine” ones. Keeping strict limits on what is expected of people based on their sex automatically restricts our understanding of each other as human beings. It unnecessarily reinforces the idea that strict roles are tied to certain sexes and certain interests are inaccessible to certain people.

That being said, liking the books, movies and artists that you like doesn’t make you somehow better than other people. You’re allowed to dislike certain things without making it your mission to tear down those who do enjoy them. Let’s encourage people to pursue what they are drawn to without ridicule, and let’s remember that one of the best ways to achieve an equal society is to just let people live.