Eben Via is a senior thrower on the men’s track and field team. Via is from Evanston, Ill. and is studying mechanical engineering.
Ben Yavitt: Welcome, Eben, to a new year of the Spartan Spotlight. Lets start off as usual. How many years have you done track and field?
Eben Via: Seven-ish.
BY: I wonder what the uncertainty is in that statement, but I’m a little too lazy to find out. What inspired you to play?
EV: I was told that I could eat while competing. And I needed a gym credit.
BY: A good deal. Do you have any hobbies?
EV: I enjoy watching independent films that involve complicated romances, usually between deliverymen and lonely housewives.
BY: I am sure you have a wide selection of films to choose from. Who is your favorite athlete?
EV: O. J. Simpson.
BY: Ah you must be a fan of the Nevada Department of Corrections Football League by now. Do you have any athletic honors?
EV: I won Most Awesome Athlete of All Time, but I think that may have been during a dream. I also didn’t get any new cavities during my last season, but I don’t think they hand out awards for that.
BY: It all depends on who your dentist is. Any academic honors?
EV: What does academic mean?
BY: I’m not sure either. What is your best track and field memory?
EV: The time I won. Actually, that never has happened.
BY: What is your favorite quote?
EV: “Be the change you wish to see in the world,” which I’m pretty sure was from the second Rocky film, or it may have been Yoda.
BY: No. It was definitely Richard Nixon. Where do you see yourself in 10 years?
EV: Throwing a 10-year being-in-the-Observer anniversary party, which was the highlight of my sad, pathetic life thus far. Or jail.
BY: Jail sounds like a fitting end. What makes track and field stand out from other sports?
EV: As far as I can tell, we have the heaviest balls.
BY: And the longest shafts (the javelins, of course). If you could invite any three people to dinner, living or dead, who would they be and why?
EV: If I say Miley Cyrus, Dakota Fanning, and Abigail Breslin, does that make me sound creepy? I just greatly admire all of their work.
BY: Don’t we all. Would you rather have the strength of a thousand men, be able to fly, or be invisible?
EV: Oh, definitely the strength of a thousand men. That would give me great Kegel muscles, which would really help with my stamina problem… You’re not writing any of this down, are you?
BY: Not a single word. If they made a movie about your life, who would you want to play you and why?
EV: Steve Buscemi, but only if they could have John Goodman be his stunt double.
BY: Honestly, that might work out pretty well. What is your least favorite thing about track and field?
EV: I generally dislike most of my teammates.
BY: Hey, that’s more time you get to spend with those big balls. If you could be a girl for one day, what would you do?
EV: It would involve running trains, and by that I mean I want to be a female railroad conductor.
BY: Never thought about it that way. If you could play any other sport, what would it be and why?
EV: I’m inventing a new sport that’s a combo of pin the tail on the donkey and boxing, but I don’t know what I’d call it. Donkey Punching? Yeah, that’s the sport I’d play.
BY: Starting a club anytime soon? Actually what do I care. I don’t have time to join another club. What would we find in your locker right now that might surprise us?
EV: I’ll tell you what you won’t find: any of NCAA-banned substances, such as methasterone, trenbolone, or androstenedione to name a few.
BY: That’s good. They test for those, you know. What is one thing most people don’t know about track and field?
EV: Just like pro wrestling and the moon landing, it’s actually all faked.
BY: Pro wrestling is not fake. What goes through your mind during a match?
EV: Usually all I can hear is Rick Astley’s “Never Gonna Give You Up,” over and over again.
BY: You and everyone else using the Internet. Finish this sentence: Track and field is like a guy or girl…
EV: Because whenever I do either one, it involves a lot of grunting and yelling, and lasts less than 10 seconds.
BY: Maybe you should switch to long distance running. Thanks, Eben. Good luck with the rest of the season.