Yeah, I know what you’re thinking. You are looking at this Fun section. Then you are looking at the calendar. Next, you look slowly at the title… Back to the calendar. Your mind falls into a comatose state until a few minutes later when it manages to mumble (in a Yogi Bear voice) “Tomorrow Valentine’s Day? Valentine’s Day, tomorrow? It tomorrow?!?! Here is a list of reasons why I wrote so many Valentine’s Day pieces:
1.This is the humor section. We can blame anything on “for the sake of humor.” For example: Many ask why I haven’t started my work until 11 a.m. and spent three hours watching unhinged Cardi B complications. I respond, “It’s a humor thing, you wouldn’t get it.” Or they ask, “Why did you try to burn down The Observer office this week? You realize that if you burn it down, we wouldn’t have a newspaper, and you wouldn’t be able to write for us, silly.” Well, then I just kick them and run.
- I really felt the vibe of Valentine’s Day this year (I don’t want to study for my exam).
- Note: writing this list has NOTHING to do with the fact I didn’t start my work until really late and then realized I had to make three Fun pages, so quickly looked to see what holidays were around this day, and it was Valentine’s Day or National Cancer Day… and the editorial board shot down the horoscope idea of “What Cancer Are You,” and I thought maybe a list of cancer tips wouldn’t go over well either and so I really focused on the whole Valentine’s Day thing.
I’d also like to provide you, my dear reader, with some key tips to boost your Valentine’s Day experience:
- Valentine’s Day, or the feast of St. Valentine was originally established by early Christians to incorporate a popular, pre-existing pagan holiday into their dogma. This information will in no way be of use to you or pretty much anyone ever.
- Poetry is a useful Valentine’s medium for communicating to your loved one what you feel, however it may be difficult to speak after they punched you in the face for trying to recite some lame *ss poetry to them.
- Fancy jewelry is a great way to a woman’s heart, but seeing as how you’re really after her pants, you might as well just pony up for a prostitute like all the other lonely guys.
- Valentine’s Day is a popular day for marriage proposals. If you are a college student planning to “pop the question,” this may be a good time to snap out of it and start appreciating the quality, single poontang around you.
- Listening to romantic ballads while flipping through old pictures and enjoying a bottle of wine with your significant other is a great way to solidify your relationship. And if you’re broken up, it can help solidify your resolve to chase that wine with loads of barbiturates. [Editor’s note: Please don’t. Not advised.]