Breaking up is hard to do

Andrew Schriver, Apply Liberally

Dear Red States:

Following this election, I’ve noticed that several of you guys are thinking about leaving. Petitions, mostly from the deep south, have popped up on the Internet advocating secession for southern states because of what you see as the “tyranny” of our democratically-elected President. While at first, I admit, I reacted with shock and disappointment; upon reflection my honest belief is that y’all are free to go. We took you back once, and while that may have worked out for 100 years or so, there’s no denying that things have been a bit rocky between us lately. Plus, we were sort of just keeping it together for the colonies’ sake, but they’re all grown up now, even the Philippines. It’s also impossible to ignore the fact that some of your actions lately have been a bit…extreme. Climate change denial, disenfranchisement of minorities, and your somewhat suspicious anti-gay tirades…it’s off-putting, to say the least.

Plus, we’re tired of paying your rent, alright? For a group of people who are consistently telling others to “go find a job” and “pull yourself up by your bootstraps,” you guys are awfully bad at paying the bills. I’ve mentioned this in a previous column, but you guys really don’t pay your fair share all that often — or at all, for that matter. We pay for dinner (most food stamp recipients live in red states), we pay your rent (low-income housing per capita? Higher in red states), we bailed out your governments with the stimulus. Hell, the Tennessee Valley Authority has been paying your electric bill for, what, 70 years? Get it together! You don’t live with your parents anymore, guys. If we weren’t subsidizing you, we could have bullet trains going from Manhattan to Los Angeles that give you a free checkup while you ride it! Or maybe we could just buy a 300-mile flat screen TV for the den or something.

Honestly, though, we think this is the best solution for everyone. As progressive-minded citizens of diverse backgrounds and a primarily urban environment, we’re sort of…embarrassed to be with you, to be honest. Every time we try and go have a nice party with Great Britain or Germany or China, you’re always puking in the punch bowl, making racist jokes in front of Nelson Mandela, or calling the Prime Minister of Australia a “heathen b—-.” Remember that time you tried to sell meth to the Russians? And I’m sure you feel the same way about us. We definitely don’t fit in with your friends at all.

Like I said, this is best for everyone. Without you, we’ll be free to start seeing other people. I hear Puerto Rico is interested, or maybe we’ll give Canada a ring again. And with all the money we’ll save, we can start paying down the debt, investing in infrastructure or, hey, who knows? Maybe we’ll even get ourselves a true universal healthcare system. And yes, before you ask, we will keep seeing black guys, no matter what you say. It’s not like there’s not a benefit to you, though – without our pesky sense of social justice getting in the way, there’s no limit to what you can accomplish!

Much Love,

The Blue States