First rule: If your date opens with “Sorry I’m late, Target was crazy,” and hands you a grocery bag containing one rotisserie chicken, protein bars, socks and a candle that smells like Garage, you are already in danger.

This is not romance. This is someone who blacked out in aisle seven.

They explain they “panicked.” You nod. You are already tired.

Your dinner reservation also does not exist. The hostess informs you that you accidentally booked Feb. 14 of next year and delivers this news with the calm of someone who has personally witnessed the collapse of several relationships.

So naturally, you go back to your apartment.

Candles are lit. Music is playing. The CVS balloon is slowly deflating in the corner like it’s losing faith in love.

Your date decides they should “heat up the chicken.”

You do not ask questions. They put the rotisserie chicken directly into a pan. On high. With oil. For reasons unknown.

Five minutes later, your smoke alarm goes off. Your roommate yells from their bedroom. “WHAT ARE YOU COOKING?!”

Your date says, “It’s supposed to be rustic.”

It’s not rustic. It’s on fire. Not metaphorically, literally.

Your partner panics and waves the flaming chicken around the kitchen like they’re auditioning for a survival show. You grab a towel. Someone knocks over a chair. Your roommate emerges holding a Brita filter like it’s a weapon.
After the chaos, you return to your room and end up making out again because trauma bonding is powerful.

This is when your bedroom door flies open because your roommate “just needs their charger.”

Everyone freezes. Your roommate makes direct eye contact with you and then backs out of the room. Startled from the encounter, your partner turns to you and says your roommate’s name. Not yours. Your soul exits in your body and begins apartment hunting. This is your cue that it’s time to cut the date short. Here are your approved exit strategies:

Option 1: The Fake Emergency Call

Text your roommate (not the one from earlier): “CALL ME AND YELL!!!!”

Answer dramatically.

“Oh my gosh. What? And it’s totally stuck?”

Hang up.

Apologize.

Say you have to leave because there is apparently a precarious situation.

No one will ever question what is stuck where.

Option 2: The Sudden Premonition 

Stand up slowly. Say, “I think I’m getting something from my recently deceased grandmother. Would you mind giving us some space to talk?”

They will likely leave immediately and not call again.

Option 3: The Roommate Extraction

If you live with roommates, simply yell, “WHO ORDERED CILANTRO?”

When everyone comes out, blend into the crowd like a confused gazelle, disappear into your bedroom and lock the door.

Pretend you don’t exist and they’ll leave too.

Option 4: The Honest Approach (High Risk)

Look them dead in the eyes. Say:

“You just called me Amanda, gave me protein bars and almost burned my apartment down with a rotisserie chicken. I think it’s time to leave.”

And then they at least leave with a little dignity! Or at least their shoes.

If all else fails, deploy the Nuclear Option: 

Turn on a true crime documentary. Say nothing. Maintain eye contact. They will leave on their own.

Worst case, your Valentine’s date involves mistaken identities, CVS bears, smoke alarms and becoming a cautionary tale in your roommate group chat.

Best case, you escape with a story so outrageous it carries you through every future holiday.