Sex and Dating: Big boy time

Miss Roxxxy, PhD

Men have spent centuries trying to figure out what it is that women like. They try to be good listeners, keep their pubes in check, even pleasure us under the sheets a little more often. Yet there is one characteristic that any man can adopt, no matter who he is or what he likes, that will automatically earn him points in the bedroom and in long-term relationships (whichever you prefer).

Recently I found myself wandering back to a male friend’s apartment late one night in order to get our after-party started. This person was a recent college graduate and lived in a pretty stereotypical neighborhood. Thus, as I walked into his building, I never expected to see what shortly befell my eyes: a big boy apartment.

What’s a big boy apartment, you ask? It’s a place where locker room B.O., floor debris, and random beer pong championship trophies do not exist. It’s a place where books are neatly placed on shelves, where there is a great selection of beer in the fridge, and where there may or may not even be several living houseplants in a sun room. Did I walk straight into a gay man’s house? No, I did not. This was the abode of a gentleman, someone with balls, someone who had completely forgotten his dorm room habits and moved on from college. It was beautiful.

Even this guy’s bathroom was turning me on at the end of the night, ladies: the swirled green and white marble tub was that clean. Metrosexual, maybe, but this guy just had good taste. Everything was minimally charming. There was so little mess that I knew it must actually be the alcohol making my head spin and not the clutter. The best surprise of all was when we walked into the bedroom and instead of the usual single or twin bed, I saw a queen with soft and sanitary sheets. Nothing makes you want to jump into bed sans-undergarments than a large and comfortable bed.

So boys, if you want to be a man, all you may need to do is a little redecorating to get your romantic nights back on track. However, we can’t all be so lucky as to be graciously endowed with good taste. So take my word for it. Go to Target and buy some organizational tools. Get nails. Prove your manhood by getting your prized possessions off of the floor and onto the wall. Do you know how cool you’re going to look with your Fender suspended five feet off the ground at eye level? Do you know what she’ll do to you if your pots and pans are actually organized by hook? She may even cook you breakfast.

The next time you take someone home, make sure you put in the effort and at least buy an air freshener beforehand. You may not be lucky enough to have a queen-size bed, but you can at least buy an affordable memory foam bed topper. Make it a night to remember not only between the sheets, but throughout the whole house.