Actually, don’t buy me a “drank.”

“Hey baby, can I get you slightly tipsy and then take you back to my place where we can cuddle and watch TV shows about cats while playing with cats I rescued from the shelter?” Unfortunately, this is not what a guy means when he asks to buy me a drink.

It’s probably more along the lines of “Hey baby, can I get you wasted and take you back to my place and try to do the nasty with you but my dog will keep barking and then I’ll be too wasted so I’ll just pass out naked on top of you on my creaky futon?”

Maybe I’m interpolating a bit, but you know what I mean. Here is my query for you this week, readers: why is it commonplace for guys to offer to buy women alcoholic beverages as a pick-up? I’d much rather you offer to fix my sink or take me shopping. The way to my heart is not through alcohol.

So when did this act become commonplace? Let’s say you are in a bar, and you see a girl you’d like to talk to. Maybe you think it would be nice to offer to buy her something, and you want to make a good impression. But seeing as there aren’t any chocolate boutiques or jewelry stores around, you settle on asking to buy her a beverage.

Plausible? Sure. But there are alternatives.

What if instead of buying a girl a drink in order to talk to her, you offered to buy her some appetizers, or maybe even offer to be her D.D. at the end of a long night? Those seem like nice options, and they have the added benefit of not carrying an underlying “I want to get you drunk so you’ll sleep with me” pretext.

Yes, I know that not-so-respectable guys think getting a girl drunk is a surefire way to get laid, but let me reminisce for a moment.

Halloween 2010: Silver Spartan Diner. A guy walks in wearing a loin-cloth, accompanied by a girl in a leopard-print bikini-dress.

After sitting (more like falling) down in a booth, the jungle-girl proceeds to vomit all over the seat, the floor, herself, and probably the guy who thought her face was going to end up in his lap in a more pleasurable way.

Case A: evidence that getting a girl drunk doesn’t guarantee nookie at the end of the night.

So next time you see a pretty girl (or guy) at a bar/tavern/hole-in-the-wall that you’d like to talk to, instead of buying her (or him) a drink, maybe just try saying a polite hello, and complimenting her shoes or something. We like that.