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Sex and Dating: Muted by Minecraft: How to get your sexy someone’s attention

February can be very boring post-Valentine’s Day. Your pants partner may have moved on from you and is now enjoying somebody else’s denims, or they may find staring at the glow of a computer screen far more intriguing than that dragon-teeth-emblazoned cone bra you just bought. Have no fear, Prof. Naked will teach you the tricks of the trade in order to pry them away from that joystick and onto yours (or into your rumble pack if that’s more your style).

Now that you’ve worked off all that chocolate and steak you ate, it’s time to start maintenance on the spark of passion you’ve created. Try acting more like the distractions your partner is interested in. If they can’t seem to imagine a world not built with blocks and lava, you could wear cardboard boxes and smack things with a wooden pickaxe. That should arouse their attentions and their suspicions long enough for them to take you like they currently take their computer mouse.

If war games cause a rise in your partner’s pantaloons, try emulating World War II (World War I is apparently immensely boring – too many trenches and not enough Nazi-killing). You could set up fake air-raid sirens and implement food rationing. Start wearing patched up old clothing and praising Churchill. Make yourself neat undergarments fashioned out of spent grenades and missile casings. This will surely impel your war hero to rush to your rescue.

Eating Spam and eggs for every meal not appealing to you? Well, you have many other options.

If your sexy someone prefers mob games, start by pretending to be Italian (if you already are Italian, then you’ve got a head start). Next, make vague references regarding your “uncle in Yonkers” who will be able to “take care of business” for you. Wear fancy suits from Verona and fake an accent – try watching “Lydia’s Italy” on PBS for some pointers – to try out on your partner. Soon enough, you’ll have more Italian sausage than you know what to do with, especially if you’ve been following Lydia’s recipes.

Now, if your lovely liaison in lace fancies blood and off-green skin tones, you’ve got no excuse to not dress up as a zombie! Make strange moaning noises and walk with an exaggerated, death-like limp. Say “braaainnns” at odd hours of the day and shun regular food in favor of carrion and uncooked meat. Your resident “Resident Evil” player will jump all over you.

Perhaps, though, you have a perfectly un-kinky (read: boring) partner who merely seems to have taken their attention elsewhere. It is, in the end, all about dialogue. Without talking to each other and communicating what you want and when you want it, you’ll both be trapped in an odd state of awkwardly horny and utterly hopeless passion. Sometimes, your significant other may just want to watch “Dr. Who” and forgo sex for a night. You have to decide which team you want to be on: that of actually enjoying some “Dr. Who” episodes with your man, or being mad at him for inhibiting your sex drive.

So that you don’t end up in pale makeup, dripping fake blood, and wearing cardboard boxes, sit down and talk out what you want sex to be with your partner. That way, if you do find you are into cardboard boxes and Italian stereotypes, you can work it to your advantage.

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