Thanksgiving promises rest. In reality, it’s four days of physiological collapse, existential dread and trying to explain to your extended family why your university was trending on Twitter for reasons best left unexamined. This is what the holiday looks like in the absolute worst case scenario: 

Your body immediately fails: 

You step off the plane, inhale one molecule of non-Cleveland air and your entire immune system flatlines. Suddenly, you’re feverish, coughing, shaking and your mom’s yelling: “Is this because you don’t eat vegetables or because your school was in those files?” 

You tell her you have a cold, she tells you to eat healthier…

The family interrogation begins:

You’re halfway through your mashed potatoes when someone inevitably asks: 

“Why was Case in the news?” 

Your uncle squints over his plate and says “Didn’t your school show up in those documents?” 

Your cousin kicks you under the table. 

Your grandma asks what an Epstein is. 

You say, “Pass the potatoes,” with the confidence of someone invoking their Fifth Amendment rights. 

Thanksgiving Tired–A medical condition: 

Every student develops a unique form of exhaustion over break. You sleep for 16 hours, wake up briefly to inhale leftovers then collapse again. Your family thinks you’re ill, but you’re simply decompressing. 

Explaining your major (again):

No matter how many times you’ve explained your degree, your relatives still have no idea what you do. 

You say you study Systems Biology. 

Your uncle hears “I fix printers.”

Your dad introduces you to your family friend as “a math doctor.”

At this point, you don’t correct anyone. 

The homework attempt: 

Every student tries—briefly—to do homework over break. You open your laptop, read one line of your textbook and immediately lose consciousness. This is normal. This is tradition. This is science. 

Happy Thanksgiving, Spartans!