History has given us some legendary battles: Greeks vs. Trojans, Hamilton vs. Burr, Hillary vs. Trump and then…there’s The Observer vs. The Athenian. Except, plot twist: only one side knows this is happening. This is less “rivalry” and more “guy on the street screaming at pigeons.”

The Athenian, Case Western Reserve University’s self-proclaimed “satirical” magazine, has decided that every issue must contain at least three jokes about The Observer. To be clear, we’re not talking clever satire, we’re talking penis enlargement, penis ensmallment and, in one inspired moment, a penis that remained tragically average-sized. Shakespeare wept.

Their pièce de résistance? That one issue where they literally stole our page designs, fonts and layouts, basically cosplaying as The Observer, then changed all the bylines to the names of our editorial board. Coincidence? We think not.

Meanwhile, we’re over here writing news stories, reviews and yes, a few comedy pieces dashed off in an hour that still end up funnier than their whole semester’s effort. I never asked to be funny, but someone had to fill the gap they left behind. Call it charity.

And yet, they won’t stop. The Observer is just a student walking down Adelbert and The Athenian is the Euclid Preacher ready to sermonize at unsuspecting victims. Please. We’re begging. How do we gently tell them we’re not in this relationship? We’re not even in the same genre. We put out a newspaper every week; they put out a cry for help stapled together with penis jokes. It’s almost sweet, like watching a little sibling swing their fists in the air, convinced they’re winning. Out of their league? Definitely, but it’s cute they’re trying.

Because, in the end, The Athenian isn’t our rival, they’re our opening joke.