This week I received a request for advice regarding a particularly alarming situation:

“Dear Aphrodite,

There are few things more humbling in this world than seeing your situationship suddenly appear in broad daylight wearing a neon green bandana, screaming “safe zone” while whipping a rolled-up sock at a first-year.

Yes, my situationship was playing Humans vs. Zombies. In that moment, I was forced to reconsider not only my romantic decisions, but also my entire taste in men entirely.

Please help me. I’m not sure how I can go on!

Best,

A love-SICK student”

For the blessedly unexposed, Humans vs. Zombies is a campus-wide “game” where CWRU students chase each other around, hurling balled-up socks to avoid “infection.” Imagine LARPing, but somehow less athletic and with a higher risk of tripping over your own dignity.

Because how do you come back from that? How do you look someone in the eyes after seeing them crouched behind a bike rack, whistler-yelling, “Cover me, bro, the zombies are closing in!“

I mean, picture it: he takes off his shirt in your room and instead of washboard abs you see the faint tan line of a neon bandana. Instant vomit.

So, what should you do when your love life collides with HvZ? Dump him? Join him? Pretend you’ve gone temporarily blind?

Here’s my official take:

• If it’s casual : Treat it like bad reality TV. Watch, laugh, maybe even place a couple bets. He’ll text you later like nothing happened, and you can pretend you didn’t witness him crab-walk to safety in front of a tour-group.
• If you’re considering long-term: No. Just no.
• If you’re weirdly into it : Congratulations, you’ve unlocked a new kink. Seek professional help immediately.

At the end of the day, HvZ isn’t just a game, it’s a cautionary tale. Because while some people find love in a hopeless palace, I just found mine crouched behind a bike rack with a sock cannon.

So do yourself a favour: leave the zombie apocalypse to the neon-band militia. You deserve someone who buys you flowers, not bulk packs of Hanes. Someone who chases dreams, not first-years across the quad. Someone who screams your name in bed, not “SAFE ZONE” outside Nord.

In short: if your situationship is in Humans vs Zombies… it’s time to sock it to em’ and walk away.