Dating in the time of performative men:

At Case Western Reserve University, dating has always been a circus, but lately there’s a new clown on campus: The performative man. He’s got “ally” in his bio and “mansplaining” in his blood. He’s not just a guy; he’s a walking PR campaign. You’ve seen one.  You’ve swiped left on one. And, tragically, you may be dating one. So, grab a pen, tally your points and brace yourself for the results you already suspect.

Are you Dating a Performative Man?

1. His profile vibe is:

1. A) Self-deprecating height jokes and “dog dad” energy
2. B) A paragraph about social justice that somehow mentions Nietzsche
3. C) “Adventurous” (he owns a Patagonia)
4. D) Thoughtful one-liners that sound suspiciously…generated

2. His coffee order :

1. A) Oat milk vanilla latte
2. B) Black Coffee
3. C) Fair-trade Matcha
4. D) Doesn’t drink coffee, but can recite Starbucks’ entire menu back to you

3. His major:

1. A) Anthropology
2. B) English
3. C) Feminist Studies
4. D) Computer science

4. A “romantic” date means:

1. A) Sitting outside Tink while pretending to study
2. B) Watching his improv performance
3. C) Reading poetry at the Cleveland Art Museum while he teaches you about Monet
4. D) A series of activities perfectly tailored to your interests

5. His love language is:

1. A) Poetic quotes
2. B) Love bombing
3. C) Soft-launching you on Instagram (a photo of the shadow of your holding hands)
4. D) Responding instantly to every text with three versions of the same answer

6. His key outfit component:

1. A) Wired headphones
2. B) Wire frame glasses he doesn’t actually need
3. C) A tote bag with a mysterious stain
4. D) A perfectly tailored fit that seems to materialize the moment you talk about it

Results:

Mostly A’s : You’re dating a Performative Man. Harmless, oat-milk powered but exhausting. Like The Covenant Church bells, makes a lot of noise but rarely delivers.

Mostly B’s : You’re dating the Hypocrisy Enthusiast. Talks big, does small. He’s your boyfriend and a one-man podcast that no one asked to subscribe to.

Mostly C’s :  You’re dating the Final Boss Performative Man. A LinkedIn profile with hair gel. Posts like an unpaid intern for Teen Vogue and somehow convinces everyone he’s profound. Run before he makes you a part of his “personal growth journey.”

Mostly D’s : Surprise! You’re not dating a man at all. You’re dating ChatGPT. Instantly responsive, endlessly supportive, no bed frame required.