Yoga Hosers Review

Lars Torres, Staff Reporter

Back in 2014, renowned independent film director Kevin Smith (who directed “Clerks” and “Chasing Amy”), released the first in his “True North” trilogy, a comedic horror film known as “Tusk”. The film was an incredibly bizarre take on experimental horror, involving the physical and mental transformation of a man into a walrus, with some funny results. Whether you enjoyed it or abhorred it, there is no denying that “Tusk” was simultaneously interesting and bewildering to watch. The same cannot be said of “Yoga Hosers,” the next film in the trilogy, which is a sizeable step-down from the previous installment.

The film is a spin-off of “Tusk,” this time centered on two minor characters from that film, Colleen Collette (Lily-Rose Depp, Johnny Depp’s daughter) and Colleen McKenzie (Harley Quinn Smith, Kevin Smith’s daughter), the convenience store clerks credited with helping out with the exposure of the “Winnipeg Walrus/Manitoba Manatee Incident” from “Tusk.” They are extremely obnoxious and annoying high school students who live by their phones and their loving friendship for one another. During their AP History class, they learn of a short-lived Canadian Nazi group founded by Adrien Arcand (Haley Joel Osment) and Andronicus Arcane (Ralph Garman). Afterwards, while being forced to run their family-owned store, they try to have some fun with a few dimwitted high school seniors who are then killed by mysterious creatures. The Colleens somehow manage to defeat the creatures. Now, framed with murder and on the run, they enlist the services of legendary man-hunter and detective Guy LaPointe (Johnny Depp) to combat against these mysterious “Bratzi” creatures (Nazis made of bratwurst) and the resurgence of the Canadian Nazi party.

This is pure, unadulterated, messy madness and not in a good—or even mediocre—way.  For the majority of the film, none of the jokes land effectively, if at all, and Harley Quinn Smith and Lily-Rose Depp try their best with a beyond abysmal script and questionable direction. The shots linger too long for effect, and the script is unfocused and slapdash, with themes that blend together. The plot is a mess, and what initially starts out as a high school “comedy” devolves into a slightly horror-ible supernatural film, with no clear or seamless transition between them.  Johnny Depp, who was tolerable and fine—to a degree—in “Tusk”, finally reaches levels of annoyance beyond understanding as he once again takes up the mantle of Guy LaPointe, as the character is much more idiotic and lowbrow than before.  

The special effects are something equivalent to what you would make on Microsoft Paint or the basics of Windows Movie Maker: jarringly simple and terrible to look at, especially the Bratzis.

Some musical segments in the film, while well-intentioned, are nothing to write home about and just end up being useless and inconsequential to the film’s point as a whole.  

Ultimately there is nothing in this film, with the exception of the two lead performances, that makes it worthwhile, and even that is not worth the price of admission. You should just save your money for a pair of socks or a movie ticket for a better film.  After a decent and fun start with “Tusk” that played on the expectations and suspense of the audience, it is shameful that Kevin Smith resorted to nonsense and a poor attempt at comedy. He should be a master of the genre by now, and it is painful to state that this is quite possibly the worst film of 2016.  From a longtime and hardcore Kevin Smith fan, that is not easy to say. But when you see crap on the screen, you must point it out. That is what this film is: a whole crap.

Film: “Yoga Hosers”

Directed by: Kevin Smith

Release Date: Sept. 2

Rating: 1 out of 5